When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops by Carlin George

Author:Carlin, George [Carlin, George]
Format: mobi, epub, pdf
Published: 2010-06-10T04:00:00+00:00

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOB: Yes.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

VOICE: This is Steve.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOB: Oh, hi, Steve. How are you?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

STEVE: Well, that’s the reason I’m calling.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOB: Oh?

STEVE: Yes. I’m doing fine. So I thought I’d let you know that and maybe save you a call.

BOB: Well, that’s mighty thoughtful of you. Thanks. STEVE: That’s okay. Well, that’s it. I guess we’ll talk tomorrow. BOB: You got a deal. Bye. STEVE: Bye.

Bob scratches Steve’s name from his list of calls and reaches for the receiver. So much still to do.

Remember, kids, Mr. Policeman is your friend. Always cooperate with him. Mr. Policeman wants to help you, so you must help Mr. Policeman. Don’t forget, if you refuse to cooperate, Mr. Policeman will beat you to death. Especially if you’re not white.

I’m not a person who thinks he can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I’ll bet they’d really enjoy going to school every day.

I’d like to point out that during the twentieth century, white, Godfearing, predominately Christian Europe produced Lenin, Stalin, Franco, Hitler and Mussolini.

Next time you’re in an elevator, blow your nose real loud into your bare hands and then ask if anyone has a Kleenex. Or blow your nose into a Kleenex, open it up and stare at the stuff and say, “Wow! Look at this. It’s all green and yellow.” Then show it to the other people. I guarantee you won’t pass many floors before you have the elevator all to yourself.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all kinds of social obligations simply by saying you’re too tired.

You know who you have to admire? A Catholic hit man who blesses himself just before he strangles someone.

I’ve noticed that a Jew will sometimes use a little paper clip to hold on his yarmulke. Shouldn’t that be God’s responsibility? I mean, you did your part, you put the thing on. Shouldn’t it be God’s job to keep it there? Or why don’t Jews just wear larger yarmulkes that grip the head better? Maybe with an elastic strap that could go under the chin. By the way, I know a hip-hop Jew who wears his yarmulke backward. It’s hard to detect, but I think it looks great.

Suppose you tried to fuck a woman who had ten personalities, and nine of them said okay, but one of them resisted and tried to fight you off. Would that still be a rape?

“Where do we go from here?” “Who says we’re here?”

Because of mad cow disease, they’re now going to leave certain cow parts out of hamburger meat, including the skull.

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